I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
