I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
