I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize