update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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