My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I want her autograph on my taint
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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