We're facebook friends in real life
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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