he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize