You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
