where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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