If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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