i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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