i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
