My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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