Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize