theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
