I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
