she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
