Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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