my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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