I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
