would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
The power of my boobs compel you
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
