I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
