I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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