he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I enjoy the company of your penis
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
