Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Randomize
