It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
