can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
