I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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