You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
