Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
