I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
