sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
