My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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