So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
