Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
