Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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