my phone needs a breathalizer
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
We just shotgunned beers for America
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
When are your genitals available?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
