My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
