Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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