Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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