Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
