Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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