His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
