it wasn't lemon gatorade
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
