Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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