He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Randomize
