I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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