I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
