Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize