i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
