just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Randomize
