I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
This is the high leading the old right now
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize