Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
