ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
