Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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