o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
