why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
