Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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