God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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