He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He keeps bees of course he's weird
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
