fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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