I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
